Who am I? Why was I born? (cont)

About June 1974 I was to change a school which was a positive change in my life. This was after the incident with the broken glass mentioned in last entry. After the first semester I was moved to Thorndon Park Primary. To change schools though I had join a special class for children having learning problems which I was in for one semester. After that I went down a level and joined a normal class. So basically although a grade 6 I was placed in a grade 5 classes. Although I made some new friends there I had a feeling of being an outsider, guess coming to a new school where friendships of people growing up together are already developed is always hard. During this time I was to see a child psychologist in the city because of my difficulties in making friends and also other issues as well.

I continued going to see the child psychologist for sometime, even joining a small group held after my meetings. I don't seem to remember much of the session there, its like the memories are just drained out of my head. The say traumatic tortured memories can cause its way deep down in the mind even past the subconscious level of memory, but I do remember the psychologist, Mrs Brown, other than that its just one big blur. One thing that did change was my weight, not sure if it was an affect of going there or not, maybe was a natural part of growing up.

In 1975 I was placed in a class of both grade 6 and grade 7 students. Although my age was that of a grade 7 student I was actually in grade 6 having been dropped to grade 5 the previous year. It was during 1975 I was able to go on first ever camp. It nearly didn't happen, because of my family situation this type of excursion just was not affordable. As it turned out the school paid for my trip to the Flinders Ranges, guess having one student coming to an empty classroom for a week was not too good so I am grateful to the school for paying for me. It was a good trip, never done anything like that before and let me forget about my home life and the hassles I faced there. At the end of the year I was given the choice of staying and doing grade 7 the next year or go to high school. That year I had done mostly grade 7 work and given the choice I chose to move on to high school.

I often wonder if my life would of been a little different if I chose to do grade 7. Its an amazing thing life, our choices affect our lives in ways that we can never know if we had chose to go the opposite way. By choosing to move on meant I had to give up on some friendships made.

A feeling that I felt from very young and continued mostly throughout my life was being "outside the circle" and no matter how much you try that circle seems impenetrable. It's like a Hydrogen atom, a single negatively-charged electron circling a single positively-charged nucleus.

The negatively-charged person orbits and remains the same distance from the positively-charged group of people.

Can also think of this group also as a community, maybe something I can try and explain in later addition.

An update to my life at the moment.
Not much has changed. Just another year, not even the new year has anything in store, well nothing I can write about yet. If I do the story of my life moves into this decade and this century. With the difficulties the future parts will make to the past events will force me out of chronicle format so really can not talk about them yet
I do feel though I have become more and more stale in my life, needing change. Deciding where that change should be, was easy. Its just doing it that makes it harder and even a little scary. But I find its increasingly affecting not just my frustration but also my depressive state of mind. Lately have been feeling a lot more down with current events and with the frustration just feel I am a balloon ready to pop at anytime. The problem is making the changes is better for my life but at the same time will make it harder and seriously affect another.

Especially since the 1990's I have made it my quest to help out other and basically put others before myself and without going to great detail it seriously affected me, even putting me in danger. The irony is talking about them right now totally kills my blog, Why do I make things harder for myself? is the question of the moment ha-ha, can not answer it. So maybe you can give me some feedback.

Not sure if anyone is actually reading my blogs at all but guess its not important. I think I am doing this more for myself and although not all the good and bad happenings from my life will come to words here in these blogs. The reason for that I guess is I do not have the words to explain them or simply writing them all would take too long. But more it will be the increasingly hard times writing really bad and very regretted, even disgusting mistakes I have made. One of the hardest things will be doing it without making excuses for them and myself.